Why don't children disclose or tell if they have been abused?
There are many understandable reasons why a child often does not disclose or tell anyone that they’ve been sexually abused, including lack of education about safe touch, because they love the person who hurt them, because they were threatened or feel responsible for what happened, because they may be worried they will not be believed - and more.
Lack of Education or Knowledge About Sexual Abuse Limits Disclosure
Some children might not tell about being abused because they don’t have the language to describe what happened, or they may not understand that what happened was abuse [2]. This could be because they’ve never been taught about what healthy and safe versus abusive behavior looks like [2]. Children or families may not recognize certain behaviors as abusive, especially if abusive behaviors have been normalized in their own family.
Emotional Reasons Prohibit Disclosure
Many children are afraid of not being believed [4,5], sometimes because the person abusing them tells them that or because of past experiences they have had with the adults in their life. Children who have been abused often feel ashamed, embarrassed, or guilty about the abuse, and may feel that they are to blame [2,4,5]. Remember that there are no situations where a child is responsible for any sexual interaction with a more powerful child or adult.
Some children might not tell about the abuse as a way to protect themselves by pretending it didn’t happen [2]. For others, they may feel like they don’t have anyone trustworthy or supportive to tell [2,5], or they might be afraid of how people will react if they do tell [3], including feeling worried about being punished for what happened [4].
Some children may even feel confused if they experienced physical pleasure, arousal, or emotional intimacy from the abuse, which can make it difficult to speak up. Sometimes the person abusing them will convince the child that they enjoyed it and wanted it to happen. Boys in particular might fear being judged or receiving homophobic responses if they were abused by another male [2,6].
Interpersonal Reasons Restrict Disclosure
Children who have experienced sexual abuse also often want to protect a non-abusive parent from upsetting information [5]. Other experiences of violence within the family can also leave a child feeling like they don’t want to burden anyone by telling them about the abuse happening [2]. Many children also may not know that there is help available for them [2].
If the person abusing them is a caregiver to the child, they might feel like this is a betrayal, because they depend on their caregivers to take care of them and may feel confused or distressed when someone who is meant to protect them harms them. They may also care about or feel protective of the person who sexually abused them, especially if this person is a family member or someone close to them. They may feel like they are betraying this person by telling about the abuse, or they may worry about this person getting in trouble [5].
A child might be offered gifts to stay silent. They may also be threatened about what will happen if they say 'no' or tell someone. Threats may include their own physical harm, a loved one being harmed, or the consequences if they do tell, like the family breaking up or someone going to prison [2,5]. Children who have experienced sexual abuse often report not wanting to cause family disruption, like parents divorcing [2,4]. They also often have a fear of the police becoming involved, having to go through the investigation and court process, and a sense of not knowing what would happen next [2,4].
Research shows that children are more likely to talk about abuse if they feel like they have someone they trust, when they realize the abuse is wrong, if they are having trouble handling their emotions, if they want consequences for the person abusing them, when they expect to be believed, and when they are asked directly [1]. This is why it is important to continue having conversations about sexual behaviors or abuse, and to create environments where children feel supported so they know that it is okay to come forward.
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References
[1] Brennan, E., & McElvaney, R. (2020). What helps children tell? A qualitative meta‐analysis of child sexual abuse disclosure. Child Abuse Review, 29(2), 97-113. https://doi.org/10.1002/car.2617
[2] Collin-Vezina, D., Sablonni, D. L., Palmer, A. M., & Milne, L. (2015). A preliminary mapping of individual, relational, and social factors that impede disclosure of childhood sexual abuse. Child Abuse & Neglect, 43, 123–134. doi:10.1016/j.chiabu.2015.03.010
[3] Lemaigre, C., Taylor, E. P., & Gittoes, C. (2017). Barriers and facilitators to disclosing sexual abuse in childhood and adolescence: A systematic review. Child abuse & neglect, 70, 39-52.
[4] McElvaney, R., Greene, S., & Hogan, D. (2014). To tell or not to tell? Factors influencing young people’s informal disclosures of child sexual abuse. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 29, 928–947.
[5] Münzer, A., Fegert, J. M., Ganser, H. G., Loos, S., Witt, A., & Goldbeck, L. (2016). Please tell! Barriers to disclosing sexual victimization and subsequent social support perceived by children and adolescents. Journal of interpersonal violence, 31(2), 355-377. doi:10.1177/0886260514555371
[6] Rizzo, A. J., Banyard, V. L., & Edwards, K. M. (2021). Unpacking adolescent masculinity: Relations between boys’ sexual harassment victimization, perpetration, and gender role beliefs. Journal of Family Violence, 36, 825-835. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-020-00187-9