How do I discourage my 3 year-old from 'humping' his stuffed animal?

Dear Concerned Parent,

It can be uncomfortable for any parent to watch their child discover that it feels good to rub their genitals, and I’m so glad you’ve reached out to us with your questions. 

Recognizing Healthy Sexual Behaviors
It sounds like what your son is doing is age-appropriate, and at 3 years-old this behavior is what we call ‘self-soothing behavior’ – similar to thumb sucking or, as you said, rubbing a blanket. You’re also correct that although this is normal and healthy, it still deserves a discussion around when and where this activity is appropriate. 

Although I wouldn’t take away his favorite toy, it may be helpful to have a conversation with him – not to shame him – but rather to redirect his behavior. You can say something like, “I see that you enjoy rubbing yourself on your stuffed animal. It may feel good to rub your penis on Teddy, and that’s fine, but this is something that is done in private. When you want to rub your genitals on Teddy, you can go in your room and close the door. A private activity means something we do alone – like when you see me close the door to the bathroom, you know I want privacy. It’s alright if you forget sometimes, because I’m here to remind you, okay?” You may even want to let your son know that “Teddy” needs to stay in his bedroom, to reinforce his understanding about what appropriate behavior looks like.

Safety Planning
This can also be part of a bigger conversation around body rules, which would include giving him accurate names for his genitals. Keep the conversation going and use teachable moments to talk to him about safety. When you’re giving him a bath, ask before you wash his genitals to model consent, and remind him what his body parts are called. Take the time to talk to him about healthy touch too – to ensure that he understands how to play safely, and so he knows what to expect from other people as well. This helps him grow up with good information around privacy, respect, and appropriate behavior – something we call safety planning. You may be doing this in your home already, and if so, I encourage you to keep it up. I’ve included some additional helpful resources below:

• Safety Planning
• Healthy Sexual Development Resources
• Why Healthy Sexuality Education is an Important Part of a Safety Plan
• Ten Things To Remember When You Talk To Kids About Sexuality
• Teach Kids About Consent (Moments a Day): Article that discusses the importance of why parents should start talking to your kids about consent from a young age, and gives tips on how to start this conversation. Includes free printable conversation cards.

You may still need to gently remind him about when it’s appropriate to touch himself, and redirect him to a more appropriate behavior when he’s in a public area (like, if you’re out grocery shopping, or even when you’re just in the living room). If you see this occurs when he is feeling a certain way, you may want to help him name his emotion and see what other sorts of activities can help him relax – like drawing, running around, or maybe just lying down with the lights off.

If your son rubs himself to the point of hurting himself or if this gets in the way of him enjoying other activities, then it would be a good idea to involve his pediatrician to ensure that there’s nothing going on physically that is making him uncomfortable.

Take care,
Stop It Now!