Lukas's Story of Hope

So turns out I don’t actually want to sexually abuse children. Well, I’m pretty sure I don’t. My brain was blessed with what is often called the “doubting disease”—I doubt everything, even the most fundamental aspects of my identity. Welcome to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Only for me, it’s not the typical hand-washing or lock-checking that pervades most of popular media; it’s being unable to focus on what you’re saying because my mind has created a gif of me undressing a child, and that loop is playing while I scream internally. These unwanted thoughts and images occur so frequently, they make me start to think I’m a horrible person. 
 
Let’s pause for a minute. It’s important to acknowledge that harming children is the last thing I want to do, which is why the thoughts are so scary. The insidiousness of this disorder is that it makes you question who you really are, as your brain looks for any shred of uncertainty to latch onto. 

In my case, the obsessions and compulsions are not as outwardly visible as they might be with other manifestations of OCD. This more hidden form of the disorder, sometimes called “pure O,” can take on just about any theme. Some of the more common ones are a fear of causing physical harm to others, a fear of being in denial about one’s sexual orientation, and a fear of facing eternal damnation. 
 
Two years ago I sat at the edge of my bed, literally sobbing, as I discovered that my intrusive thoughts were not a reflection of me as a person. I had been too petrified to even mention it to a therapist for fear they would report me, despite the fact that I had done nothing wrong. I felt utterly alone. The website that changed my life in that moment was iocdf.org, a nonprofit with a treasure trove of resources for people like me. I recommend it to anyone whose struggle sounds similar to mine. 
 
Here is a real entry from my journal, dated 2/25/2020:
 
“I really hope there are better days ahead, because right now there’s so much uncertainty, dread, guilt, anxiety and exhaustion. It’s all I can think about; it’s taking over my life. I wonder if I’ll ever reach a point where I can actually be present, not lost in my own thoughts & worries, live a normal life. I just don’t know what the best way forward is.”
 
Three mental health professionals, one medication, and almost two years later, I am truly living my best life. Sure, the intrusive thoughts will probably always be there, but they’re basically in the background now— not ruling my every waking moment. I spent 15 years believing there was something wrong with me, and I see now that I was looking at it the wrong way: thoughts, feelings, and even urges do not unilaterally define someone. There are many people out there with a genuine attraction to children, who are committed to not acting on it.
 
Whether you truly are attracted to kids or just feel overwhelmed by the fear that you might be, seeking support is the best thing you can do for the wellbeing of yourself and those around you. 
 
It doesn’t have to be therapy, either. There are peer support groups, online forums, workbooks, and so much more. Talking to someone you trust is also a great option if that’s available to you. I know opening up about your intrusive thoughts can feel nearly impossible at times, but in my experience, it’s well worth it.